So I’m back from my little vacation in Canada, having needed the time to reset and step back from my seemingly surreal way of life. The last tour really had its ups and downs but I believe my threshold for bullshit is so much lower than it used to be, having been through…. oh you know…. spending 24 hourswith only one person (albeit the love of your life) in a van on the same mission to make more than $50 after driving more than 500 miles away…. Most of the almost 7 years has been spent this way and over time, one must imagine how taxing that can be on a woman at the peak of womanhood (if I may say so myself). There no’s point in getting into details, you already know the story… And this time, about a month ago, when we were at our farthest point from home, in Louisville, KY, the love of my life and I looked at each other with tired and honest eyes and agreed that one of us was going to be dropped off at the bus station the next morning. Because shit was getting old. The same fucking story of bullshsit drives, bullshit promoters, bullshit bookers, bullshit local bands, bullshit deals. We were done.
Ok ok, for a brief moment…. because obviously the tour continued and we are still together. But, although I continued with our scheduled plan, there was still a gnawing feeling inside me that questioned what the hell I’m doing… Whatever I was feeling was definitely heightened, already feeling depressing self-loathe at becoming one year older. What does one do when one feels that way? Me, I ran to the warm and safe arms of my mother in Vancouver.
Totally committed to spending my entire time doting on my mother and spending time with my sickly dad and the young family of my younger brother that’s been my roll dawg for the first 2/3-rds of my life, I was home again. A different chaos. A chaos totally unfamiliar to me. With people who were different from how I remember. I’m different from how I remember. Don’t get me wrong, I LOOOOOOVE my family. Love love love them. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I don’t feel like a little bit of an outsider when I’m around them. We are all at different stages in our life and I haven’t been around throughout the evolution. So, it’s strange to see and it’s strange to be around. Even driving around the city, everything is new. Streets are beginning to lose their familiarity as they erect massive modern buildings. An international city, you would never see the same face a second, a minute, a month or years later; I’m a stranger in my own home. And being among the hustle and bustle of the crowd going to and from work or social gathering or event, I found myself frequently asking myself which place of work I could see myself bustling my own ass to and which friends I’d be hurrying to meet where…
I realized that the only thing I was looking forward to was when I could Face Time Jason after he got off work. Because he looks really hot on the screen and he was cute enough to think he could start a cool new project without me… some crazy new shit that I did some even crazier shit on within 48 hours of my arrival back in the bay. And we are planning our southeast Asian trip to melt the shit out of people’s faces. And that sounds really fucking bad ass. I hella want to do that.
So I’m reset. Let’s get it!